No Commercial Potential: Jesus wants me for a urinal cake

⇒ begin text

State of the Union: Condensed Version29 January 2008

  1. O hai! This is the last time I get to do this, and as usual, I’m going to act like everything I’ve done hasn’t been a complete fucking disaster. And anything that I can’t write off I’ll blame on Congress or someone else entirely. Here we go…
  2. The economy. Somethings are this way, some things are that way. Who knows what the hell is going on? The only thing to be done is to make sure all the rich people never have to pay the taxes I got them out of when I originally started dismantling the economy. This will help regular people because when rich people keep more of their money they tip better. That’s a fact.
  3. Next week, I’ll send you a budget that terminates or substantially reduces 151 wasteful or bloated programs, totaling more than $18 billion. The budget that I’ll submit will keep America on track for a surplus in 2012. When I say “wasteful or bloated” I mean “poor people use them.” And when I say “surplus” I mean “HAHAHAHAHAHA! Suck it, assholes!”
  4. Here’s some bullshit about earmarks. On the list of issues I should address in a SOTU speech, “earmarks” comes in just under “where’s the best barbecue.” But this is my speech, so shut up.
  5. Let’s talk about healthcare. Pretend I’m the government and pretend you’ve got two service industry jobs, three kids and no insurance. You’re all like, “I’ve been coughing blood for two weeks and one of my eyes fell out and I can’t afford to go to the doctor! Waaaah!” And then I’m all like, “woah, I’m the government! I don’t know shit about doctorin’ dude! Let’s wrap that eyeball up in a health savings account and you go home and pray to Jesus to make you better! And don’t talk to any lawyers. Feel better yet? Not my business!”
  6. Thanks to No Child Left Behind, not a single child has been left behind. Stragglers have been shot.
  7. Vague jabbering about trade and tariffs. I couldn’t follow this stuff in Star Wars Episode I and it doesn’t really make much sense to me now. Need a bathroom break? Now’s the time.
  8. Here’s the part where I talk about how great it would be if we would reduce oil dependency and also fighting climate change. Later Mr. Cheney and I will replay this bit and we will laugh and laugh.
  9. Science is great and needs our support unless it makes the baby Jesus cry. This is why I think science should keep working to make bigger plasma teevees and Big Gulps.
  10. I commend all Americans who have devoted their time to community service, especially in the still-struggling gulf coast reason. Good plan, people, because you aren’t getting shit from us.
  11. I should also mention the problems of illegal immigration because it’s one of the only things my political base of zenophobic jackoffs will back me up on. I’m just that bad at this presidenting job!
  12. Speaking of being bad at presidenting, let’s talk about foreign policy. Iraq, Afghanistan, Lebannon, Palestine, all of it is fucked. You know it and deep down I know it too. But if we all keep clapping it’s going to get better! Because voting scares away terrorists! Voting keeps evil away! Oh, wait, I’m still here. Is Cheney still sitting back there? So much for that theory.
  13. OMFG how great was that surge? Best. Surge. Ever. Let’s never stop surging. I’m going to keep saying ‘surge’ for a while. It makes me happy since I can’t pronounce ‘escalation’.
  14. A free Iraq will deny al Qaeda a safe haven. A free Iraq will show millions across the Middle East that a future of liberty is possible. A free Iraq will be a friend of America, a partner in fighting terror and a source of stability in a dangerous part of the world. Unicorns live forever and shit twizzlers and maraschino cherries.
  15. Our message to the people of Iran is clear. We have no quarrel with you. When the bombs start falling, they will still blow the living fuck out of you all, but please don’t take it personally.
  16. One thing you all look forward to in these speeches is when I tout awesome things America is doing that you will never hear about again and will later suspect I made up on the spot. This year: fighting global hunger, malaria and AIDS. Weren’t expecting malaria, were you, jerks?
  17. And finally, have some self-serving horseshit about how much I worry about our veterans and their care after they’ve served our country. Please don’t note out loud how nothing I say about it is ever reflected in any way by the actual actions of my administration.
  18. I’ll close with some happy crap about the constitution that I’ve been systematically shitting on daily for seven solid years. God Bless America.

See more: ,

Previously
Subsequently

Other Text

  1. Nothing
  2. Twinning
  3. Prophecy Fulfilled
  4. 2009 Q1
  5. Replay
  6. How I Know Time Machines Exist
  7. Secret History
  8. Matched
  9. Freedom. Horrible freedom.
  10. 55 Remakes

Comments

amyc

29 January 2008, 13:41 #

You didn’t actually watch the SOTU, did you? That is not healthy.

Phineas

29 January 2008, 16:59 #

I read the transcript while wearing a welding mask.

I was still rather horribly burned.

zendogbreath

29 January 2008, 23:52 #

you forgot:

Be afraid. Be very very afraid. Terrorists are coming. There’s nothing we can do to stop them but we will give all your money to the brownshirts at blackwater and halliburton and then let the terrorists bomb and murder your children here and abroad. but don’t worry keep shopping and know that democrats will surrender to the terrorists and only we can protect you even though it’s impossible. so just be afraid and watch more american idol.

Corey Mondello

31 January 2008, 06:27 #

Hello,

George Bush, President number 43 of the United States of America, has, by far, ruined America, along with the rest of the world!

America has always been a filled with selfish people, taking over North America should be the first sign.

The second sign, is the militant imperialistic ways America has had on the rest of the world, and to this day, the Middle East is not the only country we, (yes I am an American, born and bred) control by having “bases” of what they call “embassies”. (1)(2)

Because of this behavior, we, the American people, have had to suffer, the “blow back”(3) only affects those who do not act in the political field of government.

By lying to the American people, the government of the USA, created a false “us against them” mode in everyday people’s lives, the most recent BIG lie being Iraq (4), which President Bush and his administration and friends, had wanted to invade prior to even mentioning Osama Bin Laden (5)(6) (whose family is friendly with the Bush family and has had business deals with them also.)(7)(8)(9)

It is time to take America back to where the Founding Fathers hoped it would be; “We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.” (10)

President Bush’s last, (thank god), and final ‘State of the Union’ speech only supplies more proof, that the government of America DOES NOT have the welfare and well-being of the American people, nor the World, in their plans for the future. (11)(12)

It is time to stop the American Taliban-like (13) – Nazi- like (14)(15) fascists (16) that will continue to take the world into a downward spiral where nuclear war and civil war, will most likely be in our future.

I could go on and on and on….but, we all know the story, the TRUTH now !

Corey Mondello
Boston, Massachusetts
cpmondello@yahoo.com
www.CoreyMondello.com
1-31-08

Proud American Liberal ! (17)(18)

“….if by a liberal they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind, someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions, someone who cares about the welfare of the people- their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, their civil liberties.. if that is what they mean by a “liberal” then I am proud to be a liberal. “
~ John F. Kennedy

More helpful information at my website;
http://www.coreymondello.com/politics.html

NOTES:

1. Websites of U.S. Embassies, Consulates, and Diplomatic Missions – http://usembassy.state.gov/

2. Absolutely All Of The World’s Embassies In A Searchable Database – www.embassyworld.com

3. Blowback, Second Edition: The Costs and Consequences of American Empire, by Chalmers Johnson ISBN-10: 0805075593

4.
Lie by Lie: The Mother Jones Iraq War Timeline (8/1/90 – 6/21/03) – http://www.motherjones.com/bush_war_timeline/

5.
Iraq: Blair’s Big Lie Confirmed
http://www.afterdowningstreet.org/downloads/blairsbiglie.pdf

6.
Key Documents
http://www.afterdowningstreet.org/keydocuments

7.
The senior Bush had met with the bin Laden family at least twice. …. financial-political world in which the Bush family and their friends have flourished
http://www.bushwatch.com/bushmoney.htm

8.
Bin Laden’s Family Link to Bush
www.prisonplanet.com/bin_laden_family_link_to_bush.html

9.
The former president, the father of President Bush, worked for the bin Laden family business in Saudi Arabia through the Carlyle Group, meeting with them
www.judicialwatch.org/1685.shtml

10.
The Constitution of the United States of America – Preamble
http://www.law.cornell.edu/constitution/constitution.preamble.html

11.
DMI on the 2008 State of the Union
http://www.drummajorinstitute.org/library/report.php?ID=60

12.
Project for the New American Century – SourceWatch
www.sourcewatch.org/index.php?title=Project_for_the_New_American_Century

13.
Read more about the American Taliban
http://www.perrspectives.com/features/Taliban.htm

14.
“All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. Its easy. In this way the people are brought to the bidding of the leaders. It works the same in any country.” – Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering, at the Nuremberg Trials

15.
http://www.coreymondello.com/June2006C.html

16.
14 Points of fascism
In his original article (http://www.secularhumanism.org/index.php?section=library&page=britt_23_2) , “Fascism Anyone?”, Laurence Britt (interview (http://www.rochester-citynews.com/gbase/Gyrosite/Content?oid=oid%3A3136 )) compared the regimes of Hitler, Mussolini, Franco, Suharto, and Pinochet and identified 14 characteristics common to those fascist regimes. This page is a collection of news articles dating from the start of the Bush presidency divided into topics relating to each of the 14 points of fascism.

17.
“A Day in the Life of Joe Republican (Conservative)”
http://www.coreymondello.com/JoeRepublican.html

18.
An American Classical Liberalism
http://www.coreymondello.com/ClassicalLiberalism.html

Phineas

31 January 2008, 09:08 #

Holy balls.

Footnotes? Seriously?

jocelyn

31 January 2008, 09:29 #

Footnotes… For Liberty!