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Iron Man + Blockbuster Rundown 5 May 2008

I was thinking of writing something about Iron Man (a topic that has been criminally neglected on the internet for some time now) but then Defective Yeti mostly wrote what I would have, but better. I will echo his sentiments to say that it was a B+ movie (and an A- superhero movie) but would have been a C in both categories without Robert Downey Jr. (And if you didn’t already know it, he also vastly improved of A Scanner Darkly, nearly cancelling out the non-performance of Keanu Reeves.)

But I have to say a couple other things about Iron Man since I already started:

1. The absurd over-simplification of whatever political situation was meant to be represented in Afghanistan was perfectly insulting. I know it’s a superhero movie and not really interested in politics as they occur in reality, but the last thing we need is reinforcement of the idea that there are bad guys out there and all we need is the right weapons and enough will to blow them up. That’s exactly how we got into the current mess we’re in. I’m not saying I wanted a critique of the Bush administration, but possibly a hint of ambiguity about any aspect of anything would have been more interesting.
2. I don’t care if it does come straight from the comics and I don’t honestly know if it does or not, but “Pepper Potts” is just about the worst character name ever. So bad, I actually had sympathy for Gwyneth Paltrow for having to bear it.
3. !!!Post-Credits Surprise Half-Spoiler!!! For some reason now, anything Samuel L. Jackson does seems like stunt casting.

Trailer Reviews

Now I will spout off about things I’ve only seen the trailers for:

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull – Ok, I really might be in the minority here, but doesn’t Harrison just look old? Maybe because he’s 66(!!)? Also, this film prominently displays the name ‘George Lucas’ at the front which, after three Star Wars prequels, induces an involuntary fight-or-flight response in me. The only George with less credibility in the world than Lucas is Bush. He fucked Star Wars three straight times, why wouldn’t you believe he’ll fuck Indy too? No, really, why?

Speed Racer – I guess my nostalgia for this cartoon is insufficient to get me as excited as others of my demographic seem to be. (If you’ve listened to episode 13 of The Talk Show you know who I mean.) What I mostly remember is the cartoon just not making a damn lick of sense. And the star of the show was really just the car. Not interesting. And this movie looks like a louder, shinier, more-headache-inducing version of that. Again, could just be me.

The Incredible Hulk – Not to brag, but if I have a superpower, it’s being able to tell when a superhero movie is going to be total bucket of suck just from watching the trailer. This power of mine saved me from ever paying money to see either incarnation of The Punisher. And it will also save me from this movie.

The Happening – I loved The Sixth Sense. I thought Unbreakable was a solid, and underrated, effort. Signs made want to die. And every M. Night Shyamalan movie since has — defying previously unshakeable laws of suckitude — gotten worse. When I found out that The Lady in the Water was based on stories he told his children, I nearly called child protective services. I cannot state strongly enough the contempt with which I regard the majority of his work and I really, really, want to know who is going to pay $10 to have M. shit in their lap. Again. Not me.

And that’s all the snark you’ll get from me today. It’s nice out and I have a date with my velocipede. But if you feel unsatisfied, read The AV Club’s Say Goodbye to the Blockbuster. Personally I think they are too optimistic.

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