Confidential to Robert Zemeckis22 August 2007
Oh my fucking god Robert Zemeckis I hate you hate you hate you hate you so very much.
This would have been true if your only crime were your Oscar™-winning; film The Ubiquitous Magical Retard. That would have been enough.
Add to that another of your notable films Feature Length Commercial for FedEx and Talking to Sporting Goods and you had more than earned my eternal disdain.
But just today I have learned that you are responsible for a soon-to-be-released computer-generated blasphemy purporting to be Beowulf. I watched your “restricted” trailer and I’m still trying to decide if it made me more angry or sad.
I’ll admit, I almost was won over by the completely bizarre decision to cast Crispin Hellion Glover as Grendel (!?!). Then I realized that he won’t be doing any personal roundhouse kicks as Grendel will just be another CGI monstrosity. So, nice try, but no.
But you really, truly lost me on this project forever in turning Grendel’s Mother into this.
Um. Sorry? Have you actually read Beowulf? At all? Maybe even just the Cliff’s Notes? Get a one of your lackeys to do it for you then, and they will point out that ‘sexy’ is not applicable to Grendel’s Mother. Not. It’s been a while since I read it myself, but I’m fairly sure that at no point does she attempt to seduce Beowulf. I suppose I should just be glad that Beowulf isn’t played by Tom Hanks. Honestly, couldn’t we have gotten Mel Gibson to direct this instead? At least he’d have the decency to shoot the whole thing in the original Old English. Although I suppose he’d have ended up crediting Angelina Jolie as just ‘Sugartits’.
Robert Zemeckis, it’s bad enough that the Anglo-Saxons had their culture mostly destroyed by the Norman conquest. They didn’t deserve this too.
(Coming soon to a theater near you: The Canterbury Tales starring Carrot Top. Arrgh.)
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