No Commercial Potential: I was born secular and inconsolable

Barry Bonds is the Biggest Asshole in Baseball History 8 August 2007

San Francisco — All sports have beloved records. Those hallmarks of performance that enthusiasts consider unapproachable, unbreakable achievements that define the sport and the character of the players that set them. And no sport holds its cardinal records with more mystic awe than Baseball. Which is why, when Barry Bonds sent his inevitable 756th home run into the stands in San Francisco last night, the mystics had an existential crisis once again as another “unbreakable” record falls. On that momentous day, Barry Bonds became the Biggest Asshole in Baseball History, a record held until now — and since 1912 — by Ty Cobb.

Just as when Roger Maris took the single-season home run mark in 1961, the fall of this record held by one man for 95 years is surrounded by controversy. Long opinion pieces have been appearing on the subject since the off-season and barroom arguments over the issue are commonly observed.

“Tyrus Raymond Cobb is the Biggest Asshole in Baseball History, and always will be,” said baseball historian and statistician Sid Bloomington. “He established that record on May 15, 1912 when he vaulted into the stands and mercilessly assaulted a heckler, Claude Lueker, with his fist and spikes.” Added Bloomington with an appreciative sigh, “there will never be another Asshole like Cobb.”

Indeed, Cobb’s assault of Lueker electrified the baseball world at the time. And while the attack itself was enough to secure him the Asshole record, the fact that it was perpetrated upon a disabled man (Lueker had lost both his hands in an accident) for calling Cobb a “half-nigger” put the record on a plateau that none believed could ever be surpassed.

So how can it be that Barry Bonds now threatens to eclipse Cobb and all the baseball Assholes that came before him?

“You have to understand, we’re comparing different eras of ball here,” said professional baseball analyst and “sabermetrician” Chuck Hager. “It’s difficult to compare a modern day Asshole to an Asshole from the early 20th Century. Assholery has to take different, subtler forms. It’s no longer as simple a matter as stabbing a black hotel security guard for asking you your name.”

Hager is responsible for the development of an entirely new form of statistical analysis to quantify Assholery in a way that it can be reliably compared across eras. Using statistics that were unheard of in Cobb’s day — Offensive Off-Field Behavior Index (OOBI), Dickhead Range Factor (DRF), Value Over Replacement Asshole (VORA), and others — modern stat-heads can tease out aspects of a player’s assholery that can be evaluated in more and finer detail than ever.

“Even when you consider his aggressive, antagonistic relationship with the press and fans,” said Hager. “First factor in his legal troubles, his primadonna attitude, and the way he can consistently make small children cry. Then consider that he responds to any criticism regardless how minor with charges of racism, even then Bonds can’t be said to be a bigger Asshole than Cobb. But then remember this: Bonds took the single-season home run record and is now about to surpass the career home run record of Babe Ruth. All while cheating — taking steroids — practically in plain sight. Only an Asshole for the ages has balls like that. He’s such a dick that the commissioner of baseball himself had to issue a press release to justify attending the games leading up to breaking the career home run record. Ty Cobb would have had to have stabbed three people a season and eaten a live puppies between at bats to even come close.”

But Cobb’s supporters are quick to take up this very issue.

“Well, this is exactly the point,” points out Bloomington. “Bonds’ Assholery has been enhanced by illegal drug use. Chemically induced “roid-rage” has artificially inflated his numbers. Ty Cobb established his record fueled by nothing more than bourbon and cold, steely hate. There’s no comparison possible.”

But Cobb’s case is hampered by the fact that Bonds has the spotlight in the current baseball press. The still-looming possibility of his indictment for perjuring himself before Congress just adds to the case for Bonds to taking the record. Regardless of the outcome, people on either side of the controversy will continue to hash out the finer points of both players’ Asshole performance.

But while the historians and the number-crunchers will have fodder for arguments for years to come, one thing is certain: Barry Bonds and Ty Cobb will be sharing and 8 foot by 8 foot doorless, windowless cell in Hell for all eternity. And that’s something both camps can be proud of.

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