No Commercial Potential: Bitterness is its own reward.

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55 Remakes 3 February 2009

Re: 55 Movie Remakes Currently in the Works.

Most infuriating entry on this list: Rashomon. You have got to be fucking. kidding. me. No one alive can touch Rashomon. You know why? Because Akira Kurosawa and Toshiro Mifune are both dead. You cocksuckers leave Rashomon the fuck alone. It can’t be improved. It can’t even be approached. It is a perfect thing and you will only embarrass yourselves. However, I will say I am not completely opposed to a Mamet-penned version of Kurosawa’s High and Low. As long as it doesn’t star Will Smith or some shit. And speaking of Mr. Smith: unless you are prepared to eat live squid on camera — and I mean several takes, as many as necessary — you, sir, do not have half the stones necessary to remake Oldboy.

Unless the most infuriating entry is: Metropolis. Seriously? Hasn’t the ambivalent relationship between humanity and technology been done, like, to fucking death in a thousand different ways since then? Is literally, physically, raping the remains of Fritz Lang somehow going to drive the point home? Oh, lots of CGI effects, you say? In 3D? Oh, well why didn’t you say so before? I’m sold.

Most baffling entry on this list: Red Dawn. The fuck? How is that supposed to work? This movie was laughable enough even when America was in the depths of Reagan-fueled Red Scare in the ’80s. But the Soviet Union is even deader than Akira Kurosawa and the US is in danger of being invaded and occupied by precisely nobody. Again I say: the fuck?

I could go on, but jebus that whole list is depressing me. Look through it and write your own. There’s plenty for everyone.

I wish Congress could vote on a creativity bailout for Hollywood.

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Previously
Subsequently

Other Text

  1. Nothing
  2. Twinning
  3. Prophecy Fulfilled
  4. 2009 Q1
  5. Replay
  6. How I Know Time Machines Exist
  7. Secret History
  8. Matched
  9. Freedom. Horrible freedom.
  10. 55 Remakes

Comments

jima

3 February 2009, 20:11 #

My vote for most baffling entry would have to be Short Circuit. Who the fluck cares about Johnny 5? Where the hack is El Debarge these days? And is that corkscrewer Steve Guttenberg going to reprise his role as “Guy Who Wants to Get With Ally Sheedy”?

Also: the way your luck is going, the Rashomon remake is going to be an Adam Sandler picture.

Phineas

3 February 2009, 20:19 #

And they’ll turn Short Circuit into a techno-thriller action flick starring Jason Statham.

Don’t laugh, he already remade Death Race 2000.

And then it will win five Oscars.